Hello, hello! I’m alive. Barely feels like it some days, but I am in fact still living. I need to figure out where I left off. These next few posts are going to be messy because, well, I’m feeling very messy.
First of all, thank you to everyone for your amazing generous support to our family.
It is so unbelievably hard to let yourself become powerless. Everything in our society tells you to push on, do it yourself, cover up your pain and keep going no matter what. This is not the truth. When you cannot do it alone, ask for help. There is a time to stop pushing through and to simply ask for support. My advice, whether you want it or not, is to live your life loving and helping others. There may be a time when you can’t get out of bed, can’t make a grocery list, can’t even think through the details of childcare and you will need help. So many of you, some family and best friends, even some strangers, have sent cards and gifts, have fed us and loved on us. You are helping us get through one of the hardest seasons.
Live your life loving on others as so many of you have done for us. This is my advice.
I have felt horrible these past few weeks, maybe even months now. I can’t tell time anymore. I’m finally off of Adriamycin, affectionately known in cancer circles as the “Red Devil.” I am so glad to be off that train. I really dislike chemotherapy. I’m just not doing well with it. I have had a few people ask me about my symptoms—why is this so hard? Because my cancer is “triple negative” that means that my cancer is very aggressive and won’t react to a chemotherapy drug that is focused on the hormones of breast cancer. I’ve been given some drugs that, in WWII terms, carpet bomb my body.
I’m on the ACT regimen: Adriamycin, Cytoxan and Taxol. The Adriamycin was a red drug (Red Devil) that would turn my tears and urine red, and it was nasty. Nasty, nasty. I finished that drug after four rounds along with the Cytoxan. Now I’m on Taxol. I started that in the beginning of August. It’s more nasty, nasty. I look like the Tin Man walking around. This stuff gets in your joints. It hurts to move your feet, ankles, knees and hips. It’s just a constant pain. I’m only allowed to be on pain meds for so many days and then I have to use over-the-counter stuff that doesn’t really work for me against this beast.
Quick update on my heart and tummy: Everything looks okay for now. They found some issues with my colonoscopy and put me on some much needed medications, so that is much better. My heart is doing well. I have some palpitations that I did not have before chemo, which is super annoying and scary at times. Long story short, my chemo and radiation will take a toll on my heart, and we won’t know how big of a toll until it’s all over. I’ll be monitored throughout my treatments to see how weak my heart’s becoming and then we’ll decided if it’s too dangerous to even attempt another pregnancy when this is all over. That is really hard to think about. At least right now. So let’s not.
Thank you for your prayers!